Monkey whines

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

We all know Bethany Campbell is one of the queens of the Harlequin. However, even she sometimes doesn’t get it quite right.

Every Woman’s Dream (1991) starts out on the right foot – Tess Avery is trying to work her way up the food chain in the advertising world and dreams of eventually getting to New York City for her shot at the big time. Before that can happen, however, she has to deal with the stupid crap that her evil boss likes to dole out. Stuff like finding a monkey that can make spaghetti (which turns out to be surprisingly easy in Omaha) or, perhaps, searching for eligible bachelors to appear in a charity calendar.

It’s this second job of course that leads her to meet Cal Buchanon, a farmer who is still single at the ripe old age of 37 because he had to raise his sister’s kids when she died and that left no time for dating. It’s not because he’s weird or a jackass or anything. Cal’s niece Bunny (seriously) secretly takes a photo of him and submits it for the calendar. Of course, all the ladies at the office go nutso because he’s not wearing a shirt and he’s so gorgeous AND he’s holding a pony and OH MY GOODNESS!! Well, it turns out that Cal is not at all happy about appearing shirtless in a charity calendar and demands to be taken out of it. Tess’s mean boss manipulates her with the promise of a recommendation and makes her drive the two hours to rural Nebraska to talk Cal into it.

So off she goes to the farm country in her business suit. Her first meeting is with Bunny, who’s about 18, but acts like she’s 12. Let me tell you, her schtick got old REAL QUICK. Bunny is understandably excited about possibly having her photo used in a calendar, so I’ll cut her some slack, but she’s one of those very dramatic types that cries at the drop of a hat and thinks everyone is out to get her. Annoying.Anywho, Bunny leads Tess into the house where “Uncle Cal” happens to be napping, shirt askew of course. So Tess gets to view the eye candy, at least until he wakes up and has a hissy fit. Cal once again tells Tess that there is no way he’ll embarrass himself by appearing in the calendar, no matter how good the cause is. Bunny, however, does her stupid crying thing and eventually he relents. Tess gamely tries to get him to sign the release forms before she leaves, but he tells her he’ll sign them when he’s good and ready, dang it (he doesn’t actually say “dang it”, unfortunately). So off she goes to her car and – what do you know? It won’t start! The obvious solution is that Tess will just have to stay overnight at their farmhouse. This sets the scene nicely for a little lady-gets-caught-wearing-her-nightgown action. Luckily, Cal has a nice porch swing for just such an occasion. Tess can’t sleep so she wanders outside and has the nerve to sit on CAL’S side of the swing! Women. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t… well, nevermind. This leads to a fight which of course leads to a little smooching, but then Cal unjustly accuses Tess of using her feminine wiles to get him to sign the release forms. Oh snap! The next morning, Tess finds out her car still isn’t running, so she has to borrow Bunny’s car (guess who whines about that?) which handily means that she’ll have to exchange the car at some point. Well played, Avery. Well played.

When Tess gets back to the office, she finds out Cal’s picture got leaked and suddenly everyone wants a piece of him. This means that Tess has to go back to Cal to get him to do even more embarrassing things, like appear in a women’s magazine! A similar scenario happens again when Cal is asked to go to New York to appear on a talk show (really, how good looking is he?!). Every time something new comes up, Mean Agency Boss makes Tess go talk to Cal, who gets mad, which causes Bunny to cry and throw a tantrum, so Cal relents and Tess gets one more break. It’s a vicious circle, and irritating for a number of reasons. The first is that Tess just will not stand up to her boss, even when she really doesn’t want to bother Cal anymore. She is just that desperate to get the heck out of Omaha (she’s trying to escape her past, by the way). It makes her seem really spineless, though.

The bigger problem, though, is Bunny. Girlfriend is AWFUL. We’re supposed to think she’s this free-spirit artist that is sensitive and can’t be bothered to follow Cal’s strict rules (or, I don’t know, respect the guy who put his life on hold to take care of her), but she’s just a selfish brat. And the worst of it is, she doesn’t ever really get called on her obnoxious behavior. Things work out ridiculously – nay, unfairly - good for her, and I don’t recall her ever sincerely apologizing to anyone for being a total baby.

Crappy side characters aside, this one wasn’t too bad. There’s a lot of drama about Tess’s childhood, plenty of descriptions of Cal’s lean good looks, and it moves along quickly. Plus, did I mention the monkey?